Hitting or Biting - What do you do?
Turning a hitter into a hugger
"My two-year-old hits me when he's frustrated. This usually happens when he is overtired or over stimulated. After he hits me, he watches for my response. I've tried timeouts, reprimanding him and ignoring him, nothing works. Can you help?" Any Mother
This is normal, yet annoying, toddler behavior so try not to take it personally. Toddlers often hit their parents and caregivers. Children who can't yet communicate verbally often hit, scream and throw temper tantrums when frustrated. Naturally, ever-patient mum is their most convenient target. Once your toddler develops the ability and the maturity to express his frustration in words rather than bruises, this obnoxious physical behavior should subside.
In the meantime, it's important to teach your toddler what you consider normal acceptable behavior and what is not and certainly that hitting anyone, parents included, is not acceptable behavior. Children are consequence motivated. Simple, repetitive and consistent demonstrations of the positive and negative reactions to his positive and negative behavior should help your son separate acceptable behavior from that which is unacceptable.
If he hits you, respond in a way that makes him unhappy, such as walking away or putting him in timeout. Follow your stern reprimand of what he can't do with what he can do: "We don't hit, we hug." Of course it's preferable, and more fun, to reinforce good behavior than to discourage bad. Minimize the bad behavior by identifying your son's temper triggers and heading them off. Do the outbursts occur when he's tired, bored, hungry or frustrated? Do as much as you can to stop the tantrums before they start. Bring snacks with you when you go out for extended periods of time. Try to plan your shopping trips for times of day when your son is well-rested. This is all part of creating a structured environment for your son, an environment that fosters good behavior rather than bad.
Encourage him to express his feelings verbally: "Use your words. Tell Mummy what you need." Also, give him alternate physical-release mechanisms, such as: "Give me five!" Toddlers, especially boys, are physical creatures and need physical outlets for their tension and enthusiasm. This is hard work and will take a lot of discipline, consistency and watchfulness on your part. But you can look forward to the accelerated development of your son's verbal ability, which typically takes place between the ages of two and three. Once he can complain to you in words, he'll be better able to put his pugilistic tendencies aside.
The bite stops here
Many child development specialists say that biting is a normal way for very young children to explore their world. When they get their first teeth at about six months, for example, many babies will nip their mother during breastfeeding. They may start biting someone else at about one year or so. Most children stick everything in their mouth, and they don't always understand that it hurts the other person.
Beginning at the age of one, biting has more to do with communication than with exploration. Toddlers often use biting as a way of getting their point across. They get angry or want a toy that another child has, but they aren't capable of telling the other kid how they feel. Lacking words, they may resort to biting. And it's often successful. They get a rise out of the other kid, as well as their parent or daycare provider, and that just reinforces the idea that biting really works.
Most children stop biting by the age of three, when they are better able to put their feelings of frustration, anger, or jealousy into words. When a child hasn't stopped biting by that age, there may be tensions and pressures in his life that he just can't cope with. A child who lives in a home where there's a lot of emphasis on discipline, with spanking and slapping, can end up becoming pretty angry. For some of these kids, biting is a nervous habit, like biting nails.
Some experts say they're seeing an increase in biting among toddlers and preschooler's. David Elkind, a Tufts University professor of child study and the author of The Hurried Child, is convinced that biting is more of a problem now than it was several years ago. "Kids are under steadily increasing amounts of stress," he says. "They're spending more time in childcare, and a lot of them aren't getting enough attention or supervision. They take out their anger and frustration on other children."
Richard Elardo, who has studied biting in daycare centers, recently, found that about half of all kids who attend these centers get bitten. Not surprisingly, the worst month for biting is September, when kids are beginning the school year, and the prime biting time is between 10:00 a.m. and noon, when children are hungry and running out of steam. Boredom can also provoke biters, he says. "If the daycare center doesn't have enough play materials, kids end up fighting over what's there."
So what can parents do to get their child to stop biting? First, forget the folk remedies. Biting a child back, wiping lemon juice on her lips, or force-feeding her a few drops of Tabasco sauce are solutions that are as primitive as biting itself. "Biting a child back is too complex for little children to understand," says Yale University child development specialist Dr. Linda Mayes. "You're asking him to follow a line of reasoning that goes, 'Here's what something I did to someone else feels like when my parent does it to me, so I shouldn't do it anymore.' That's very high-level thinking." And at the same time, it shows that the parent believes in the power of aggressive behavior instead of words. "You want to make it clear to the child that hurting others isn't something you should do," says Kennell.
A better tactic is to catch the biter as soon as he strikes and give him the clear message that biting won't be tolerated. Tell him biting is something babies do, not big kids. That if he's angry with someone, he's got to use words to express it. Give him other alternatives, like jumping up and down or saying 'I'm angry!' but make sure you physically prevent him from biting. While it's important to make it clear that biting is unacceptable, parents shouldn't overreact. Attention of any kind can be a reward, says psychologist Solomons, so lectures should be kept brief. After explaining that biting isn't allowed, immediately turn your attention to the child who's been bitten. Later, praise the biter when she resists the urge to use her teeth, and reward her for sharing or for using words to explain her feelings.
Because biting can be such an effective means of communicating for some toddlers, they seldom bite just once. Consistency is often the best strategy in these cases. One and two year-olds may have a limited ability to understand the impact of their actions, but they are capable of understanding that biting is not allowed. The exact words don't matter, so long as children get the message that biting is an unacceptable way to express their anger.
Parents can't avoid all situations in which kids bite, but they can make sure their child is in an environment where he's less inclined to bite and less likely to be bitten. Good supervision is critical. It's better to distract or redirect kids who are heading for a fight than to shout "No!" after the fact, he points out. Daycare centers can also minimize biting by providing plenty of toys and a variety of activities.
Still, there are some kids who will continue to bite no matter how many toys there are. In these cases, parents may need to seek help from a child psychologist or family therapist to learn better ways of managing their child and to find the underlying cause of their child's biting. Biting may not be dangerous physically, but it affects children psychologically.
Of course, not every biting problem is solved easily, but even the most persistent biter eventually gets the message that biting isn't acceptable.
At Clockwork Learning Centers our carers are aware of the cause and effects of hitting and biting and provide ample and suitable resources, love and attention to deal with such instances.